First Person: Serving Alone
Posted October 5, 2011
Am I going to be single for the rest of my life? Surely God isn’t going to make me serve Him alone?
I want to serve God in missions for the rest of my life, but I really want to get married first. I know He has given me a desire for a spouse in my heart. What do I do?
Do I keep serving and living overseas away from my culture and a potential spouse? Or end my missionary ministry and return to America?
If you are single and serving God, or single looking to serve overseas, I’m sure you have struggled with these questions.
Being single, male and serving God is tough, and far too often I find myself wanting to put my life, God and ministry on hold until I have a wife alongside me.
I recently got to spend time with an older and more experienced single missionary in southern Africa. IMB missionary Brian Beadle has 20 years of ministry experience as a single working cross-culturally. He shared with me some lessons God taught him about being single in missions. He shared how he deals with loneliness, the desire to get married and the advice he has for young men serving as singles in the ministry.
For my part, loneliness can be a killer as far as ministry is concerned. I have to admit it is one of the hardest parts of being single I have faced out here. I am an introvert by nature, but the more time I spend here in Africa, the more I find that I hate being alone.
Brian said being lonely is one of the biggest struggles he used to face as well. He told me: “If you live in a village full of people and you’re battling with loneliness, then it’s kind of your fault. You need to just get out and go meet people.”
Brian told me when he was first on the mission field he didn’t have a single visitor for almost six weeks! Finally, one day, when he was at one of his lowest points and thought he couldn’t take it any more, he decided to try going out and meeting people. So, he got out and walked around his village and started talking to people.
Out of that excursion he ended up meeting the guy who is now the lay leader in the church he planted there. When he wrote home to his mother about it, she wrote back and said, “Maybe we should pray for more loneliness!”
Granted, loneliness is hard to deal with, but sometimes it is the tool God uses to motivate us. According to Brian, when you’re battling loneliness, one of the best things you can do is just get out of the house.
Another thing we talked about is the fact that there aren’t a lot of single guys serving on the field. I can think of only four or five other single men serving with my organization in all of Sub-Saharan Africa, and it’s a big place. But, there are 15 or 20 single ladies serving. Sadly, this is almost a 4 to 1 ratio. According to IMB research these numbers are a good representation of men to women in missions around the world. Brian speculates one reason is there aren’t a lot of men in churches to begin with. And for another thing, it would seem there are a lot more expectations on men to say home, get married, have a family, and carry on the family business.
Before Brian was called into the ministry he had earned degrees in law and business from Louisiana State University and worked as a lawyer for almost six years. He told me when he was first thinking he would quit practicing law and go into ministry fulltime his family said, “We need Christian lawyers.” Brian responded, “Fine, let somebody else be one!” Brian’s family said, “No! You need to be the Christian lawyer!” There seems to be lot more pressure from families for guys to stay in their careers.
But for young men, or any young person for that matter, who are considering going in to missions, Brian says, “Just go ahead and do it!”
Like I said in the beginning, I find the temptation to pursue a spouse sometimes more overwhelming then anything else in my life. Brian says he has heard a lot of young people, “men more then women,” saying “yes, they really want to go and serve God in missions, but they just want to get married first.”
The piece of advice Brian gave: “Don’t put your life on hold just because you’re not married. Get out and live life! Just do it! If it is God’s will for you to get married, then He will bring you someone along the way. So get out and serve Him and if HE brings you someone then so be it, and if not just as well.”
This really hit home for me. I have found myself saying that very thing: “I really want to be a missionary for the rest of my life, but I really want to get married first.”
I’m sure by now you’re thinking, “Surely being single can’t be all that bad!” Well you’re right, at the end of the day there are a lot of positives to being single and serving God.
As a single missionary you have to depend on the people around you a lot more than you would if you were married. Brian said one of the benefits for him is that he gets to sink himself into the culture far more then if he had family.
He observed that when you’re single, and on the field, and your family is 15,000 miles away, you can’t just run home. You’re forced to get out and adopt the culture you are in. The benefit of this is you start fitting in faster and you develop relationships more quickly, and at times better able to reach your people.
Brian said people tell you that it’s all about the relationships on the field, and as a single it really is the case. You often get to develop deeper relationships and friendships with people that you wouldn’t normally get to if you had a wife and children.
When I find myself stipulating how God can use me, I look back at the time I got to spend with Brian. What impacted me the most was this:
“Don’t limit God; just get out and go serve Him with all your insufficiencies. God will deal with those along the way, and develop you along the road. As for that spouse, GO SERVE GOD and if the spouse you’re wanting is part of God’s will for you, then you will meet them no matter where you are.”
Videographer Oliver P. Crow has lived overseas for the last two years and wants to serve as a missionary for the rest of his life.
26 Responses to “First Person: Serving Alone”
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You are definitely not alone! My parents went overseas as single missionaries back in the ’70’s. My mom left England and went to Africa, resigning herself to the possibility that she’d be single the rest of her life.
My dad, funny enough, tried to be a single missionary, but the Church Board wouldn’t send him at that time because of the very fact that he was single. He was sure of his call and so he found a work-around. He joined the Peace Corps and ended up teaching high-school at the very mission my mother was working at as a midwife.
Neither one of them ever dreamed that their spouse would be awaiting them out on the mission-field. I don’t say this to encourage hope that you might meet someone out there one day, but rather to illustrate how God works in amazing -and unexpected- ways.
Like you, I struggle with singleness (from the perspective of an MK living in a “foreign land” (America)), but I have also found it to be true that we should never limit God, but rather surrender our hopes and dreams over to Him. He knows the desires of our hearts and He also knows what is best for us. Be encouraged, you are on the right track!
And as long as we are in the center of God’s will, He can work in & through our lives — and there is no limit to where He will lead and what He can do through us!!
Beth R, Thank you for your encouragement and for your example. That really is a good example of what I was saying in the article. Go serve God and if it’s His will for you to meet someone then even while in the middle of Africa midwifing or teaching, God can cause paths to cross no matter where you are or what you’re doing.
I am glad to say I know you Brian and as a young single career missionary guy this is very encouraging and challenging to me. I served my first three years in Mozambique single and now I am in Senegal as a single missionary. Thanks again for the encouragement brother!
Hi Jimmy,
Glad to hear you enjoyed the article in Africa Stories. They did a good job putting it together didn’t they? I’m enjoying keeping up with you on facebook every now and then.. Have a great rest of the year in the Lord.
I would like to respectfully disagree with the idea put forth by your article that it is easier for women to serve as single missionaries than men. I don’t want to get into a gender comparison or debate or anything, but I do want to say that as a single female missionary, I think serving alone is every bit as challenging as it would be for a male. While it is true that there may be a great deal of pressure on a man to work and stay in – or start – a career, there is conversely a lot of pressure on a woman to start a family. As I get older, one of the greatest challenges for me is the fact that I am not just potentially giving up the companionship of a husband, but I am giving up the opportunity to have children, the very thing that my body was made for. I don’t know how it is for a man in regards to children, but I can tell you that there is something very compelling toward motherhood in the female psyche – and it gets stronger, rather than weaker, as one gets older. Furthermore, as a woman, missionary work is considered more “dangerous” alone. I find that while I may not have pressure to follow a career path like a man might, I have a LOT of pressure to be “safe”…meaning…not to go to the remote places, which just happen to be the very places for which I have a heart. (On that note, I think families also have a big challenge when it comes to going to dangerous places as well – I have heard many missionaries say they have been criticised for putting their children at risk and in potentially dangerous circumstances by bringing them to the field. But this article is about singleness on the mission field, so I’ll get back to that.) Putting the ideas of family and safety aside, the other challenge I face in the ministry side of things as a single woman is the idea of female leadership. I believe that pastoring and spiritual authority lie in the responsibility of the role of a man. Yet I feel called to church-planting/pioneer type ministries. Follow the logic of that thinking to the end, and the natural conclusion is that I can’t do it single. Hallelujah that we don’t serve a God who is bound by the constraints of “logic” or the limitations of our points of view! I am comforted by the fact that He is busy with things way beyond our understanding. My job is to keep close to Him, walk in step with His leading daily, pray in all circumstances, delight in His presence, and let Him unravel all the complications. I give Him even the lonely tears when they come. He keeps them in a bottle anyway – Psalm 56:8. God is for me…in Him I have put my trust.
@ Anonymous
I appreciate your comment and observations, however, I wasn’t saying in the article that it is easer for any one to serve as a single. Serving is hard now matter who you are or what state of life your in. What I was saying is that that we as men find more excuses than women do, which is what I was trying to point out with the statistic of 4 girls to for every one guy ratio. Y’all are just more open and willing to go serve then we are I ashamedly admit. I have heard the joke in missions all to often, that we as guys say “Yes Lord here am I, send my sister!” In a nutshell all I am trying to say is Guys need to respond to Gods call more. You girls are beating us hands down on answering the call bit. And for that I commend you! As to your feeling call to church planting, I support you in your call and I would like to give you an example of encouragement or two. First I want to point you to Lydia in the New Testament. Lydia was one of the first recorded converts in Europe and she also was a church planter.
Acts 16
[13] And on the Sabbath day we went outside the gate to the riverside, where we supposed there was a place of prayer, and we sat down and spoke to the women who had come together. [14] One who heard us was a woman named Lydia, from the city of Thyatira, a seller of purple goods, who was a worshiper of God. The Lord opened her heart to pay attention to what was said by Paul. [15] And after she was baptized, and her household as well, she urged us, saying, “If you have judged me to be faithful to the Lord, come to my house and stay.” And she prevailed upon us.
Acts 16
[40] So they went out of the prison and visited Lydia. And when they had seen the brothers, they encouraged them and departed.
I would also like to point out in col. 4:15 Paul greats Nympha and the congregation that meets in her house, which suggests that, she was also involved in church planting.
Col. 4:15
[15] Give my greetings to the brothers at Laodicea, and to Nympha and the church in her house.
So my sister, as to the church planning, I would say you have my vote, go plant churches! I will be praying for you!
Hi Anonymous,
Thanks for your response to the article. I have to agree completely with Oliver’s response to you. We’re not saying it’s easier being a single female on the field. In a lot of ways I think it’s certainly more difficult and dangerous. But God is with us so we can do it however we’re situated. Have a great year in the Lord.
I’d just like to say that as a single Christian (but not a missionary) that I agree with Brian says. I believe it’s important to be in the centre of God’s will and following Him and that if He has a spouse for you then He will bring them into your life at the right time. Keep following Him!
THanks for the words of encouragement.
Thanks for the article. As a single woman who has been serving in missions for 6 years now, I can’t even start to tell you how many women I know (myself included) who would love to have a husband to stand beside them and serve with them. It’s frustrating to see the time go by without such a partner myself, and hard to see so many of my friends who want the same thing, continue to serve faithfully, yet feel the ache of loneliness.
I agree that loneliness can be a spur to get out there and be involved more, especially for those of us who are introverts.
Praying for more of my brothers in Christ to be bold enough to buck the pressure and step out into missions. First and foremost for His glory, but there is also power in working together as teams, and it shouldn’t be overlooked.
Susie, I am glad you found this encouraging, and it is encouraging to me to keep hearing of people like you who have answered God’s call regardless.
Your dedication encourages us all.
Generally speaking, God had an answer in Genesis – ‘It is not good for man (or woman) to be alone’. If however God does require a man or woman to go it ‘alone’, can we not expect that He will tell us, eg, as He did with Jeremaiah? Because of His incomprehensible love for each of us as individuals, is it remotely possible that He might speak to us and provide His counsel by the Counsellor. For practical advice of hearing God’s opinion, can I suggest: “Is that Really you God” – by Loran Cunningham; “Forever spoilt for the ordinary” – Joy Dawson, and “Breakthrough’ by Rudi Lack, all YWAMers. Respectfully, do we fail/neglect to seek the super-naturalness of God, to hear His voice?
Perhaps you should clarify your point, sir. It may be read as implying that those who are single, yet do not feel “called” to singleness have neglected to listen to God or been unreceptive when He brought them an available mate.
Martin, thanks for the book suggestions. I will have to take a look at them. I always relish a good book!
Martin, you are right when you say that the Bible states in Genesis (2:18), “It is not good for the man to be alone.” But God does not promise that every man will be given a wife or that every woman will be given a husband. The Bible states the following in 1 Corinthians 7:
“It is good for a man not to marry. But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband.” (v.1-2)
“Now to the unmarried and widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” (v.8-9)
“I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs – how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world – how he can please his wife – and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world – how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.” (v.32-35)
I have been serving as a single missionary for over 10 years, but I do not feel called to lifetime singleness. All I have ever wanted is to be a wife and a mother, but God has not yet provided that for me. Will He? I don’t know. God has not made it clear to me whether or not He will provide a husband (and children) for me sometime in the future. Does this mean that I’m not seeking God about the matter or that I cannot hear His voice? Absolutely not! All this means is that God has not yet provided an answer. He is telling me to “wait” for His answer. His timing is not mine, and He doesn’t work according to my schedule. I believe that God will give me an answer one way or the other, but in the meantime I wait. And I do what I know to do – what God has called me to do. I know that God loves me, and He will provide what I need – even if it’s not what I want. I will continue to go where God sends me and serve Him in every way that I can… even as a single.
Thanks for the reading suggestions.
Great story, there were two quotes that really hit home for me. Being single is hard but as you said (I paraphrase) we should use it to meet people, step out of our comfort zones, don’t wait for ‘x’ to happenand, live life!
Justine I am thankful that this article ministers to you. It is tough being single and serving God! And like I said in the article, I find myself often wanting to wait till ‘X’ has been met or fulfilled before I go and serve. But like Brian told me – and you are saying – we shouldn’t wait. We just need to get out and go serve regardless.
I’ve been a friend of Brian’s since 1967. That’s a long time. While he may have found himself alone in his physical service to God in a place a long way from home; he has always been in our hearts and our thoughts and therefore never really alone. God Bless you Brian.
Wow. We’re getting old. I hadn’t thought for years about the actual year that we started hanging out. Was there sliced bread and electricity and plastic and stuff way back then?
Thankyou for this article… I have just made my decision to become a single missionary. I just recently broke up with my fiance and to become a missionary has always been my hearts calling & due to getting married I had denied that fact. But here I am stepping out in faith, the fear of not finding a partner doesn’t bother me, my passion to serve and help goes beyond that as a need and my salvation and hope for heaven outweighs my doubts. I am looking forward to going.
Atalanie I am glad you found this article uplifting. I know taking such a bold step to follow God is a hard thing to do. I admire your willingness to be so obedient!
I know the Lord will bless your decision and walk with you every step of the way.
Brian Beadle is one of the most influencial men I’ve ever had in my life. I love Brian and miss him dearly. Brian’s heart, calling, service, and obedience make Brian a missionary’s missionary. Brian is truly a testimony of God’s design to do more through one man’s faith and obedience.
Madimo a go sagofatsi, Brian!
The Lord bless you too Cody and clan. I’m enjoying reading about your goings on every now and then on facebook. You’re sounding all grown up and stuff these days.